we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
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Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
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She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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