Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
