wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
