Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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