He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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