careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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