just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
