Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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