My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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