there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
