Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
