My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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