i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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