yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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