Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
