we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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