I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
