the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
