So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
