At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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