ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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