i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
