Where did you get a picture of my penis
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
