1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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