Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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