barbara walters just said penis...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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