theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Randomize
