you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
