last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
