phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The police scanner is talking about you again....
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
