My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
