I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
