News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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