Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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