so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
