i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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