guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
