you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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