So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
