thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
