apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
