Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So many bounce houses so little time
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
