You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"