ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
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I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
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while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?