On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.