Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.