if i can run in heels then i can drive
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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