need another drink. this is the easiest way
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
