so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
