i love accidental penises.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
