After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
