Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
