Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
