hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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