you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
