apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
