I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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